beat myself up a lot

I used to be the exact same way, but I think I've made a lot of progress. I wish I could give you some concrete advice, but it feels like I'm too close.

You mentioned that you wish you were the type of person who lashes out, rather than punishing yourself. I used to think the exact same thing, and I think that I eventually began to externalize my anger in order to keep from tearing myself apart. (You can also do like Sydney soliloquized on M*A*S*H - "Anger turned inward is depression; anger turned sideways is Hawkeye [joking around].")

So here's the two possible scenarios:

1) It's actually someone else's fault OR someone yells at me for absolutely no reason. What I do: I get good and angry. I yell at them if I have to, but mostly I try to get them to understand that they're treating me like garbage for no reason, and that I won't be walked all over.

2) I actually did something wrong. What I do: Rather than get angry, I try to meditate on the mistake, pray about it, and figure out how I can avoid it in the future. A lot of these situations have been caused by my saying something I shouldn't have; my conclusion was that, rather than shut up and not speak my thoughts, I should think through my words before voicing them.

In other words (to be overly simplistic), mistakes are caused by or imagined because of a lack of understanding. If someone else is blaming you for no reason, correct them (hopefully without yelling, something I can't help because of my rather angry upbringing). If you make the mistake, try to understand it.

Always keep one thing in mind, though: No matter how many mistakes you make, you're still a human being and deserve to be happy. <oversimplifying>People should only be punished when they willfully do things wrong, which causes harm.</oversimplifying>

You've already taken the biggest step by seeing this about yourself. You're obviously a thoughtful and intelligent person, and I think you can work through this and become more emotionally-healthy.

Edit: I just noticed that this thread is posted under Family. Was this deliberate (i.e. do your family members make you feel stupid), or should I move it (say, to General Discussion or Health)?

You know, we all make mistakes, and if you beat yourself up over it, you're concentrating on those mistakes and laying the groundwork for them to happen again. If you concentrate on your mistakes, you're using up all your energy on what you did wrong. You need to use your energy to do things right. So next time you make a mistake, tell yourself briefly that what you did was wrong, and then forget it. Concentrate on what you will do right next time. If you keep telling yourself that you're to blame, etc., then that's what your life will be. Concentrate on the good instead. It can only help.

Good luck!

thank you so much for the replies! Well, I posted under "family" ... I think maybe because I didn't know where else to post it. And because all I can think of when I feel that sting of shame is that I just want to go home - or be somewhere safe - or get a hug or something. I want to be rescued.

That makes me actually realize something about myself - because the only one who can rescue me is ME. But I do often look for someone to Save me.

That's kind of a girl thing to do I suppose. We're always looking for our knight in shining armor - when we have to realize that the only one who can save us is OURSELVES.

We have to be whole on our own.

I'll work through it ... just gotta figure out how to stop kicking myself and love myself. But yah, this post has nothing to do with Family, actually. Kind of funny I posted it there/here to be honest!

I'd be cautious about wanting to blame others. It is important to be objective, and to be able to say out-loud, "I screwed this up". I did that yesterday at work -- but! I had the solution, and the explanation for why the mistake was reasonable. I was able to articulate the starting point, and where the ambiguity (the opportunity for the mistake) crept in based on the changes that were being done, and people *got* it, and the felt like the understood the whole process better. I hope that doesn't sound like bragging.
An important benefit of being ok with your mistakes is that you'll take more chances. If someone says "can you do this?", you can say back, "I don't know. I'll give it a try and let you know how its going". I do this a lot. I'll say, "I can give a better estimate after I've played with it for 2 hours". Everyone is on board in knowing that there's no guarantee, and that some mistakes and backtracking are going to happen.
The mistakes are normal, and everyone, including you, needs to foresee them as expected and natural. Build in some time for mistakes when planning. Good project managers will pad estimates to account for people being over-confident. But to say upfront, "add more time, because the first couple of days are going to be all rough-drafts and experimentation!" -- then everyone is fully aware.

I can totally relate. I will go for weeks and be feeling great and then one day someone will say, "You're not doing the best job" and I think in my head "I'm not good enough" which is total crap. This whole "I'm not good enough" is all made up - it's a story of mine.

When I ask myself 'What I am grateful for?' this helps me get out of my perceptual delusions. Then I start thinking about how great things are and how great I am. The short of it is, cultivate the attitude of gratitude and get out of the funk.