I'm new, hoping for advice on healing from hurt

My life is basically a long string of these sorts of incidents (not to put down your own). I've noticed that, for a few days after it happens, I can't stop thinking about it. I lie awake at night muttering into my pillow about how this person hurt me.

Then, the memory fades into the general collage of other hurts. It occasionally comes back and serves as extra fuel in another rage, but for the most part, it's only a dull ache.

So what I'm saying is, maybe eventually you'll be able to mostly forget about it.

Disclaimer: I am not the person to talk about forgiveness with, as you can probably tell from the above.

The only real healing path for hurts like this is forgiveness, imho. Try to see that person's point of view, try to see their pains. I don't know what they did to you, but is it possible they are going through their own struggles and that's what caused them to act the way they did? Is it possible they're insecure or went through something themselves that they are trying to get over? Seeing things in an empathetic light can help you realize that maybe they need help of their own. And once you can wish that person well, then you can forgive them. It really makes you the stronger person in the end.

If worse comes to worse, you might consider approaching this person about it. Not to yell and scream and try to get even, but to tell them that what they did was hurtful. It's possible they didn't mean to hurt you, or that they regret doing so, in which case they might apologize and you could get closure that way. I'm non-confrontational and fairly forgiving so I usually go with the first option.

It might also help to put into perspective how this hurt has affected the rest of your life. Has it made you stronger? More determined? Seeing it in a positive light might help you out. I had an ex who was positively evil to me at times, but it has kept me from letting others walk all over me just because I like them; a lesson that has served me constantly since it happened.

Finally, here is the link to Leo's article on loving thy enemy. I think it's brilliant: http://zenhabits.net/2008/02/10-tips-for-lifes-greatest-challenge-love-thy-enemy/

Thank you both--I really appreciate your replies.

It might also help to put into perspective how this hurt has affected the rest of your life. Has it made you stronger? More determined? Seeing it in a positive light might help you out.

This is quite helpful, and although putting it into practice will be difficult, I think this is the most helpful thing I've learned in a long time. It certainly can't be any more difficult than living with these bad feelings!

My life is basically a long string of these sorts of incidents

It helps to know I'm not the only one....although I do feel bad for you!

One bright side is that it shows that we're sensitive people. I'd rather be able to be hurt and to feel for other people than to be a thick-skinned, unfeeling sort of person. I'll bet you're also the likeable, gregarious type, rather than a cold loner. It also makes it harder to hurt others the way we've been hurt, because we understand how it feels to be victimized.

I agree that forgiveness is key. To forgive does not mean to forget. You will always remember the hurt. But try to approach the situation with as much compassion as you can muster. To the other party and to yourself. This is not easy, I know. And let's face it, some wounds never fully heal. And I think it's all the harder, as you say, when the person who harms you does not offer any sense of apology or remorse. When I find myself rehashing an old wound, I can easily find myself sinking into that sad and depressive state. The best thing I can do is to try to focus on all the good things in my life. To reaffirm my own basic worth.

It is not a panacea...but it is a start.

God bless.

One bright side is that it shows that we're sensitive people. I'd rather be able to be hurt and to feel for other people than to be a thick-skinned, unfeeling sort of person. I'll bet you're also the likeable, gregarious type, rather than a cold loner. It also makes it harder to hurt others the way we've been hurt, because we understand how it feels to be victimized.

I'm glad I don't come across as a cold loner--at least in writing. :) Actually, I am very much a loner, and many people would describe me as cold. Those very close to me know that I'm not actually cold, it's just that I'm deeply introverted and very, very shy. However, I do feel things on the inside--I'm just not apt to show them on the outside. And, as you pointed out, knowing what it feels like to be victimized does indeed make it very hard for me to hurt others. I never hurt anyone on purpose (okay, sometimes in a fit of rage I have said hurtful things to people :( ), and when I do it inadvertently or I see someone else hurt someone, I feel terrible about it.

I agree that forgiveness is key. To forgive does not mean to forget. You will always remember the hurt. But try to approach the situation with as much compassion as you can muster. To the other party and to yourself. This is not easy, I know. And let's face it, some wounds never fully heal. And I think it's all the harder, as you say, when the person who harms you does not offer any sense of apology or remorse. When I find myself rehashing an old wound, I can easily find myself sinking into that sad and depressive state. The best thing I can do is to try to focus on all the good things in my life. To reaffirm my own basic worth.

I think this is all very true, and I think that deep down I probably knew it, but it just seems so hard. And yet I know, in order to heal, that I will have to work hard. It's not going to come easy. I don't mean to sound whiny (that is very out of character for me), but the fact that someone else did something terrible and I have to work my butt off to heal from it seems so unjust that it really ticks me off! And that's a big hurdle I'm trying to learn to get over.

I hope I haven't been too confusing :)

I've been thinking about this more, and I just kind of assumed that what happened wasn't something horrible. I guess I'm positive in that sense, but yeah, if this is as bad as I've begun to realize it could be, sometimes forgiveness is a lifetime struggle. If it really is something that plagues you, you might consider seeing a therapist about it.

sometimes forgiveness is a lifetime struggle.

That's actually quite comforting. Even though I have healed considerably since it first happened, I haven't come all the way yet, and I think that's why I'm confused about it. Maybe I truly haven't given it enough time.

That quote is more inspiring to me than you probably realize. Maybe I should print it out and put it on my fridge, as a daily reminder to take my time :) .

Personally, I had to get angry to really get over being hurt. After spending years and years cowering and being pushed around and feeling weak, I decided I was not weak and put my foot down. Being very non-confronting person, this was hard for me, but to actually being able to make it very clear to this person face to face what he did to me marked a real change for me. Not just in my relationship with that person, but in my life in general. I consider myself a stronger and better person because of what happened and how I handled it.

In other words, I wholeheartedly agreee with sarasnee.

Pinata,

I've had my share of hurt in my life, but nothing that sounds as deep as what you describe. Here are two rather practical tips that have personally helped me "get over it" and move on, and although after two years, I still sometimes resent that person, generally I can now look at them with utter indifference.

1) Cut contact with the person who hurt you. I don't necessarily mean that you have to ban them from your life completely, but I've found that some time without having to face them helps to heal the wounds. For me, this meant removing that person from my IM, facebook, and other buddy lists (as childish as that may seem), to remove temptation to contact them. I still had to maintain contact with that person on a professional level, but if you can avoid even that, it might help. Once you've healed, you might be able to gradually let them back into your life, without them affecting you quite as much.

2) Put things into perspective. This might have to be a very large perspective, depending on how bad the injury was, but I've found that for me, it really helps to think: "in 6 months, a year, 5, 10 years, will this still matter? when I look back on this in years from now, and my situation has changed, how bad will it really seem? will I even remember it?" Now I understand that this might sound like belittling your hurt, and perhaps this person has hurt you in a way that will still truly affect you in years from now, I don't know. But if that's not the case, I've found that it helps me overcome the hurt and sadness when I think "well, at least I know that some day, this won't hurt as much".

Last thing, as I've said, I haven't been through life-traumatic hurt. On top of Leo's post, which sarasnee linked to, I'd like to refer you to another blog. This girl has been through very rough times and writes wonderfully well. Her posts touch and soothe you and give sound advice, much better than anything I have to say, with a touch of humour to lighten the mood.

Two articles that might help, but I encourage you to look through the blog, she has quite a few gems in there:
http://www.inmyheels.com/get-a-grip-on-your-anger/

http://www.inmyheels.com/dealing-with-resentment/

*Hugs*
Vero

VeroSwing,

Cut contact with the person who hurt you.

That part has been done, thankfully.

in 6 months, a year, 5, 10 years, will this still matter?

Another great piece of advice! (I'm going to have to write down everything I learned here and put it somewhere for easy off-line reference :) ) My first reaction to this question was to think, "Of course it will matter 10 years from now", but I gave it a little thought, and really, I can't be sure of that. What was done can't be undone, and the lives of the people she affected will always be different because of her, but that doesn't necessarily mean that our lives can't be happy and fulfilling--it just means that our paths will be different than we originally planned. It's very helpful to think of it in that way.

Thank you for the links, too.

grey,

After spending years and years cowering and being pushed around and feeling weak, I decided I was not weak and put my foot down.

Although talking to the person face-to-face isn't an option in this case, I could really relate to what you said concerning other situatuations in my life. Standing up for myself has always been a weak point of mine, but I've found that when the situation allows it, it really is empowering to put my foot down and refuse to be tread upon.

I'm glad I registered here and asked for advice. Even though I've been vague about my circumstances (sorry about that!), you've all been very helpful.

My advice might sound ridiculously simple, but it really worked for me in all kinds of tough times in my life, especially when dealing with people who've hurt me.

You've got to learn to let go.

Remember that what is the most important in your life is your own happiness, and that you are the only person in the world who can provide that for yourself. Nothing else really matters. Letting yourself being hurt by other people gives them power they don't deserve. So yeah, let go and think about positive stuff, treat yourself, surround yourself with stuff that makes you happy, and people you enjoy being around.

You can do it, and you deserve to be happy. :)

Remember that what is the most important in your life is your own happiness, and that you are the only person in the world who can provide that for yourself.

That's exactly what I'm working on hardest right now. Sometimes thinking about the positive stuff comes easy for me, but sometimes it's quite a struggle. I'll keep plugging away at it though. :)

hey pinata,

your post caught my eye, I have some thoughts. They might sound a bit counterintuitive at first.

reflecting on a couple of things you've said...like

" I never hurt anyone on purpose (okay, sometimes in a fit of rage I have said hurtful things to people Sad ), and when I do it inadvertently or I see someone else hurt someone, I feel terrible about it. "

"And, as you pointed out, knowing what it feels like to be victimized does indeed make it very hard for me to hurt others."

"Or am I expecting too much, and should just accept that the hurt and anger will always be there?"

It seems to indicate you feel easily hurt and sensitive to hurting others.
But what really is hurting to you? You define it yourself don't you? The person you talk about 'who doesn't feel remorse' probably hardly knows how you feel. I applaud that, why would you want to have two people feeling bad? It doesn't improve either person

I don't think healing has to be hard work...or even that you have to heal things specifically.

Emotions are like habits. When you practice the feelings of being hurt, you become really good at it. The more you practice it, the more you become used to it. It's like smoking, you know it might not be good for you, but its what you trained yourself in. When we are talking about the hurt feelings that occur after the fact, that takes practice. You need to go through the motions to know how to feel bad.

I feel bad because <insert person or event outside of you did something>. You need to think about it in order to feel bad, you need some kind of conditional criteria.

You say you are introverted, let's take that as a supreme advantage. That means you are focused on your interior world. Great, that's exactly the place to start for making your life more happy. If your interior world is setup for you to feel bad, you are going to live the world of pain and suffering. Because it doesn't take much to feel offended or hurt, if you let things outside your experience effect reflect on your self worth, happiness and self esteem.

People that are very introverted usually have thicker walls setup. To prevent them from being hurt and being vulnerable. The bigger the walls the more you will find that you are vulnerable. More energy is spent on avoiding and protecting your feelings from things outside of you.

Let's consider the opposite
"If you have no defenses you cannot be attacked"

What would help you is to start reconnecting with who you really are. With your real identity. Let's pick an identity that sounds pretty darn good in my ears, the identity of pure love, or a spiritual being, or a creative life force, or if this is a reach for you, go for your ideal self.

To get to the kind of place where your thoughts, feelings and actions reflect that type of identity, the type of identity where you know you are love, unlimited, a spiritual being, or simply your ideal self, you've got to practice. You will know nothing in the external word can affect your real worth, your real rights and possibilities, the real you.

So assuming you have a hard time considering this 'identity' you will still benefit from understanding what I mean with 'it takes practice'.

The kind of practice I'm talking about is simply this: the practice of better feelings. You can even approach this like habits. The more you practice laughing the easier it becomes. The more you practice love the easier it becomes. The more you practice curiosity the easier it becomes. What feeling do you practice the most, is the easiest to come by.

When love, or fun is your best practiced feeling - you will have no trouble 'forgiving' people. In fact, when you are in a state of joy - you don't give a rats ass about the past or what other people do. When you embody love - you know that the thing that will bring in more of what you want - by emanating its essence. Having said that....guess what happens when you feel remorse, hatred, anger, insecurity. You further enforce and invite that into your life experience.

You probably realize this is a huge jump, from one to the other. That's why it's important to realize this: when you are in a state of remorse, anger, guilt or hate, you don't have access feelings like joy, fun and love. You wouldn't be able to think of one (try it). But you can go for a feeling that feels slightly better. Typically anger feels better than depression (its definitely a whole lot better from a health standpoint). So consider moving to angry. Once you are angry you have access to a higher range of feelings. You might go to agitated or irritated. When you are there, it's not a big gap to feeling more neutral, like indifference or boredom. From there on you can go to hopefulness and upwards. Once you reached the point where you are feeling hopeful about something. You are finally practicing a habit that will bring you more happiness and fun into your experience.

This is one way to get back into a better feeling place about any subject. People see healing in a far too serious way - like you are putting on a bandaid, taking medication and having surgery to close a wound. What really matters is reaching for your real identity and practicing good feelings.

Think about it. Ever seen a guy heartbroke over a girl, you know it was just puppy love, for months the guy sobs until bam, this other girl comes on the scene and all of a sudden it's not an issue anymore?
Ever as a kid remember dropping your icecream, crying about it, when then your parents buy you a bigger ice cream? Does the event of your fallen icecream really matter anymore, or is it just the present feeling that counts?

People really train themselves well - myself included- to rehearse painful past events, every time reactivating similar hurt emotions. This is like crying about the spilt icecream. Remember you are building an emotional habit around a subject. (Ever notice how it's really hard to feel good about some person you hated, even after it turns out the person wasn't so bad after all?) You need to practice something different. The absolute easiest way is to consume your attention with something fun, or simply something different. The harder way is to improve your emotions about the subject incrementally. And if that doesn't suit your fancy,

try picturing the person that hurt you, see the images back in your mind, now roll the tape back in reverse in your minds eye. Change the colors to black and white, make it go faster, put clownshats on the people in your memory and play some silly music in your head. This is the shortcut to making sure your brain doesn't know how to access the memory that was hurtful to you. If you are still feeling bad feelings, picture in your body how the feelings are moving around. Most feelings run around in a circular fashion through your solar plexus. Become really aware of your body and the feeling, then start moving the feeling in the opposite direction. This neutralizes the feeling.

When people spend a lot of time thinking about past events, it usually means they don't have anything in their present they are excited about. Having nothing to be excited about its a whole lot worse than what any person might be able to do to you. Consider working on that rather than working on healing yourself.

You probably aren't going to change overnight, so take the zenhabits approach and take babysteps by practicing feeling a little better every day. Do everything to reinforce and reward your progress.

hope this is appreciated:)
Peter

Personally, I had to get angry to really get over being hurt. After spending years and years cowering and being pushed around and feeling weak, I decided I was not weak and put my foot down. Being very non-confronting person, this was hard for me, but to actually being able to make it very clear to this person face to face what he did to me marked a real change for me. Not just in my relationship with that person, but in my life in general. I consider myself a stronger and better person because of what happened and how I handled it.

-"grey"

Hear, hear!

I had to do something similar when I was in an abusive relationship for four years. Three years afterwards, I still feel angry at this guy, and I'm still getting to the point where I can let go, but it is happening, slowly. I'm a much stronger, better person than I was back then, and part of that is to do with being forced to stand up for myself, at last.

Part of the reason I dislike the way people vilify Dr Phil is that his workbook, The Self Matters Companion (I didn't actually read the main book until years later), taught me some valuable lessons and introduced the concept of 'self-help' to me. I was fifteen or so at the time, living in an emotional vacuum, and was generally what I soon came to regard as a loathsome, cowardly person. Dr Phil, through that book, was probably the first person to tell me that I deserve to be happy (no, I didn't watch that much Mister Rogers as a kid — I wish I had), and to figure out what I want and then try to get it.

I overcompensated a bit and became a very angry person for a while, positive that the entire world was trying to victimize and use me. I think I made a lot of good attitude decisions (such as not allowing my parents to walk all over me anymore), but probably came across like a total bitch in the process. In recent years (partly in effort to be a good Christian, and also partly because I'm a pothead), I've mellowed out quite a bit, but I'm still resolved not to let anyone kick me around. I know that the meek shall inherit the Earth, but sometimes I just can't help it!