This isn't your normal "zen" question, but it has to do with relationships and balancing lives, so I thought I'd ask it here. Plus I value the opinions I find here.
My boyfriend lives in France, and he is there for the summer, so there is an 8-hour time difference. He calls me near midnight his time, and between 3-5 PM my time. Some days it's annoying because I have my own tasks to accomplish and I just drop everything for an hour to talk with him. It's definitely the best part of the day for me (cue the "aww"), but I feel like I'm a slave to this schedule and whenever it's convenient for him to call.
I had a relationship four years ago where I had no control over my boyfriend's contact. I never called him, and he made me feel guilty if I interrupted what he was doing. He seemed to resent internet conversations and thought I was a burden to talk with. Really, he just wanted his ex-girlfriend back, and I found that out eventually.
Anyway, the lack of control here reminds me of that and it makes me frequently upset. I feel like I shouldn't "bother" him with excessive emails, but I can't call him because my phone won't call internationally. Plus it's his family's line and usually he's the busy one who has things to do, and I just want a schedule.
Part of it might just be that I don't have a summer job and I'm spending my days filling up time until I get to talk to him next.
So, at any rate, how do you deal with one-sided long distance with no control?
Also, how do you deal with long-distance relationships in general? How do you let a person know you care when you can't express it in the ways you would when you're together?
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Since I live out in the mountains, thirty miles from town, with no transportation of my own, it sometimes seems like I'm in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, who lives in town and also has no transportation. We talk on the phone for a few minutes every other day and go on a date once every two or three weeks, but other than that, we really don't have much contact. The thing is, though I'd like to see him more, I'm content with that much. It leaves us room to live our lives.
What you said about 'filling up time' rang true with me in the worst way. You need to fix that. Find something, anything (a job, religion, a hobby, a copy of War and Peace) to meaningfully fill up your time. Until then, you seem to be placing way too much emotional weight on your boyfriend.
What you said about 'filling up time' rang true with me in the worst way. You need to fix that. Find something, anything (a job, religion, a hobby, a copy of War and Peace) to meaningfully fill up your time. Until then, you seem to be placing way too much emotional weight on your boyfriend.
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My girlfriend of the last 10 months or so just graduated with her Masters and got a job up in North Carolina. She's somewhat closer at 300 miles away, but we're about to do the long distance thing for a while. We've gone as far as seriously discussing marriage and whatnot, so it's pretty serious. She's not very happy about the whole deal and I'm afraid what affect that is going to have on the relationship. I've been planning on driving up there pretty much every weekend, she'll probably make the trip down here one weekend a month.
I never assumed I'd meet a girl and have to move to be with her. I have a great job, a brand new house, everything seemed to be right in place. It's going to be a bitch to try and sell the house in this market, and I'd take about a 50% paycut to move up there with her, but I'm seriously considering it. Thing is, I told her it's probably going to take at least a year. I gotta pay off some debts while I'm still making good money, and wait for the market to get a little better if possible.
It's going to be really hard, but I think it will be worth it. You need to ask yourself the same thing.
I never assumed I'd meet a girl and have to move to be with her. I have a great job, a brand new house, everything seemed to be right in place. It's going to be a bitch to try and sell the house in this market, and I'd take about a 50% paycut to move up there with her, but I'm seriously considering it. Thing is, I told her it's probably going to take at least a year. I gotta pay off some debts while I'm still making good money, and wait for the market to get a little better if possible.
It's going to be really hard, but I think it will be worth it. You need to ask yourself the same thing.
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What you said about 'filling up time' rang true with me in the worst way. You need to fix that. Find something, anything (a job, religion, a hobby, a copy of War and Peace) to meaningfully fill up your time. Until then, you seem to be placing way too much emotional weight on your boyfriend.-"FekketCantenel"
You're definitely right. I've applied for about six jobs, and only heard from one that I wasn't able to take. I've been trying to update my Joe's Goals and come up with meaningful projects for the summer in the meantime. The first one is yoga, and I want to catch up on my reading. Then I would really like to update my website like I've been wanting to. Here's to hoping that projects can occupy my brain. :)
Adam, good luck with your year. My brother has actually been doing the long-distance thing for two years and he pretty much NEVER sees his girlfriend. And I agree, it's definitely worth it. :D
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Hey,
I am in a LDR as well. My g/f is half way around the world in asia. You should ask for what is comfortable for youself and not plan around your b/f reason being is that you have things to do as well and if he should respect your time and plan around yours. Meeting in the middle ground. I am trying the LDR because I do not want to have regrets.
One benefit of LDR is as fek mentioned. Space. We converse over IM every day but its limited to Good night and hello's. Phone conversation is once a week. Our time zones are different and althought I would like to see her often, I am content at this pace because I have kept myself busy with work, friends, etc...
This does not mean I don't miss her but you have to make best of the situation that is presented to you.
I am in a LDR as well. My g/f is half way around the world in asia. You should ask for what is comfortable for youself and not plan around your b/f reason being is that you have things to do as well and if he should respect your time and plan around yours. Meeting in the middle ground. I am trying the LDR because I do not want to have regrets.
One benefit of LDR is as fek mentioned. Space. We converse over IM every day but its limited to Good night and hello's. Phone conversation is once a week. Our time zones are different and althought I would like to see her often, I am content at this pace because I have kept myself busy with work, friends, etc...
This does not mean I don't miss her but you have to make best of the situation that is presented to you.
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Sara:
I sympathize. My boyfriend has been studying in Germany since August 2007; we've seen each other twice in that time. Like you, I can't make international calls, and it's expensive for him to call me. When he's not at his computer, I have no way of reaching him - that lack of control is frustrating.
I guess it depends on how close you two are/want to be and how much communication you prefer in general. Some of the other posters seem to be fine not talking to their SOs much. My bf and I like to spend a lot of time together, when possible, and tell each other everything. We've been communicating every day since he left: he'll call me to wake me up sometimes (since he's 6 hours ahead), we'll instant message while I'm at work, and we'll send e-mails.
I think emails are the best solution for the time difference problem. You can keep a thread going and respond whenever you have time, regardless of what he's up to at that moment. Two years ago, when my bf and I had just started dating, we spent three months apart in the summer. We didn't have regular internet or phone access for most of it, so we wrote journal-like emails and sent them when we got the chance. I would do it again, if I could - we learned a lot about each other that way. I saved all of our correspondence from that summer in a huge Word document that's fun to re-read. During this current separation, I like to send an email before bed, so he gets it when he gets up and replies before I get up. It's a good way to start the morning. Maybe you could have a discussion with your boyfriend about what you both think are reasonable expectations for the length, frequency, and subject matter of emails. Ideally you'll come to an agreement.
Sorry if that's not helpful. I know every situation is different, and maybe you've already tried this. I wish you luck with your summer!
To anyone:
I've gotten through 10 of the 11 months apart from my boyfriend of 2+ years and am starting to think about when he comes back. I'm nervous. The price I've paid for my greater independence is a greater personal distance between us - although we still share a lot of history and can talk about anything, we aren't keeping tabs on day-to-day life lately and I haven't seen him outside of photos since early March. I am not sure if we will be able to - or even want to - just pick it back up when he returns, or how much time we will have to spend getting reacquainted. To make things more complicated, I'm staying with him at his parents' house for a couple days (we're both students), then I'm working at a camp for a week, and then immediately after that we're moving in together (with another friend) for our last year of school. We won't really have an opportunity to take things slowly.
Has anyone here gotten through the reunion stage of a long-term, LDR? Can you tell me what I could possibly expect (given that our respective circumstances are unique)? Would you recommend taking it slowly, or picking up where we left off? Did anything surprise you?
I sympathize. My boyfriend has been studying in Germany since August 2007; we've seen each other twice in that time. Like you, I can't make international calls, and it's expensive for him to call me. When he's not at his computer, I have no way of reaching him - that lack of control is frustrating.
I guess it depends on how close you two are/want to be and how much communication you prefer in general. Some of the other posters seem to be fine not talking to their SOs much. My bf and I like to spend a lot of time together, when possible, and tell each other everything. We've been communicating every day since he left: he'll call me to wake me up sometimes (since he's 6 hours ahead), we'll instant message while I'm at work, and we'll send e-mails.
I think emails are the best solution for the time difference problem. You can keep a thread going and respond whenever you have time, regardless of what he's up to at that moment. Two years ago, when my bf and I had just started dating, we spent three months apart in the summer. We didn't have regular internet or phone access for most of it, so we wrote journal-like emails and sent them when we got the chance. I would do it again, if I could - we learned a lot about each other that way. I saved all of our correspondence from that summer in a huge Word document that's fun to re-read. During this current separation, I like to send an email before bed, so he gets it when he gets up and replies before I get up. It's a good way to start the morning. Maybe you could have a discussion with your boyfriend about what you both think are reasonable expectations for the length, frequency, and subject matter of emails. Ideally you'll come to an agreement.
Sorry if that's not helpful. I know every situation is different, and maybe you've already tried this. I wish you luck with your summer!
To anyone:
I've gotten through 10 of the 11 months apart from my boyfriend of 2+ years and am starting to think about when he comes back. I'm nervous. The price I've paid for my greater independence is a greater personal distance between us - although we still share a lot of history and can talk about anything, we aren't keeping tabs on day-to-day life lately and I haven't seen him outside of photos since early March. I am not sure if we will be able to - or even want to - just pick it back up when he returns, or how much time we will have to spend getting reacquainted. To make things more complicated, I'm staying with him at his parents' house for a couple days (we're both students), then I'm working at a camp for a week, and then immediately after that we're moving in together (with another friend) for our last year of school. We won't really have an opportunity to take things slowly.
Has anyone here gotten through the reunion stage of a long-term, LDR? Can you tell me what I could possibly expect (given that our respective circumstances are unique)? Would you recommend taking it slowly, or picking up where we left off? Did anything surprise you?
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Thanks so much for your reply!! The biggest problem with emails is that a) he doesn't check very often, and b) he doesn't want to reply when he knows he can just wait until he calls me. He's also a slow reader (takes things carefully) and I like to type A LOT so I don't like being a burden that way.
His parents pay for unlimited int'l calling to the US so it really doesn't cost them anything. I just hate waiting around like I can't be the one to contact him. Since posting this I've really gotten used to it though. I know he cares and we get to talk for as long as we want. As long as I'm not going anywhere and schedules aren't conflicting it works out pretty nice. I also found out Skype international calls only cost two cents a minute (and free from skype-to-skype instead of skype-to-phone), so if an emergency happens and I have to call over there I can. That alone made me feel worlds better.
Plus we only have 22 days left! :D
I also just opened up a new blog that I've given him access to. Maybe blogging there will fulfill the feeling that I'm not getting to talk to him all the time.
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This might sound weird, but I totally know what you mean about reuniting after a distance. My maximum was only 3 months with my ex (who I could call and it didn't feel one-sided, heh, it was still LDR though). Certain things DID surprise me. I always forgot how short he was, what he looked like, and how to kiss. I'd really recommend taking it slow in terms of the first kiss. We always see these passionate reunions on TV but really, you have to get to know each other again. I recommend just doing a hug and just lips to start out, as if it's the first time you've kissed ever. It's still romantic and you don't get the awkwardness.
Once you come to realize it's the same person you've been talking to every day, I promise it's easy to remember pretty fast.
I'm so glad to have webcam with my current boyfriend. Seeing his mannerisms reminds me who he is and I think the nervousness about seeing him won't be so severe.
I have SO much nervousness about going overseas though!! :shock:
His parents pay for unlimited int'l calling to the US so it really doesn't cost them anything. I just hate waiting around like I can't be the one to contact him. Since posting this I've really gotten used to it though. I know he cares and we get to talk for as long as we want. As long as I'm not going anywhere and schedules aren't conflicting it works out pretty nice. I also found out Skype international calls only cost two cents a minute (and free from skype-to-skype instead of skype-to-phone), so if an emergency happens and I have to call over there I can. That alone made me feel worlds better.
Plus we only have 22 days left! :D
I also just opened up a new blog that I've given him access to. Maybe blogging there will fulfill the feeling that I'm not getting to talk to him all the time.
--
This might sound weird, but I totally know what you mean about reuniting after a distance. My maximum was only 3 months with my ex (who I could call and it didn't feel one-sided, heh, it was still LDR though). Certain things DID surprise me. I always forgot how short he was, what he looked like, and how to kiss. I'd really recommend taking it slow in terms of the first kiss. We always see these passionate reunions on TV but really, you have to get to know each other again. I recommend just doing a hug and just lips to start out, as if it's the first time you've kissed ever. It's still romantic and you don't get the awkwardness.
Once you come to realize it's the same person you've been talking to every day, I promise it's easy to remember pretty fast.
I'm so glad to have webcam with my current boyfriend. Seeing his mannerisms reminds me who he is and I think the nervousness about seeing him won't be so severe.
I have SO much nervousness about going overseas though!! :shock:
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